by Lindsey Herndon
“Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive.” Our infertility journey began 6 years ago, however we only began to share our struggles 2 years ago. Many of you have prayed for us and some have supported financially. In our last update we announced that we had found the medication combination that I respond well to. The part that we left out was the reason we know I respond well. In June 2013 we, for the first time in 5 years, saw the beautiful word “pregnant” on a pregnancy test. We were so elated! We knew that with my diagnosis I was at a higher risk of miscarriage, so we only shared with a couple people. Unfortunately our excitement only lasted a few weeks, as we miscarried the end of June. We were devastated. We had finally had our dream of getting pregnant and so quickly it was taken away.
We chose to take a break from doctor appointments and medications until October. We now knew what worked so we started back up in hopes that we would get pregnant again right away. October, November, December, January and then finally in February it happened! We saw the wonderful word “pregnant” again. This time we were even more hesitant to get excited, but the weeks went by and all was good. Little by little we started planning…thinking of names, reading the daily email updates on how our baby was growing, dreaming of our future family of 6. Our first ultrasound was scheduled for March 31 2014, our 7th anniversary, and 6 years since we began this journey. But things went horribly wrong once again. The week we moved back to Medford I felt as something was not quite right with the pregnancy. I went to the doctor and was monitored for the next week where it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy. On March 31, I miscarried. The day that was supposed to be filled with overwhelming happiness turned into a day of overwhelming grief. We now have two babies in heaven.
I share this not to receive well intentioned “I’m so sorry” or “God must have needed them for a special purpose” or “At least you’ve been able to adopt” or “Third times the charm!”. Infertility is not just an inability to GET pregnant. It is also an inability to STAY pregnant and deliver a full term baby. I share this to inform others what it is like to deal with infertility. I share this as part of my own grieving process. I share this for others who have had a miscarriage and feel as if they were/are alone. I share this for those who never want to forget those babies they have lost. And I share this for those that have followed our story and were wondering what has been going on with us.
We have a choice to make now. Our next option is to see the reproductive endocrinologist in Eugene that we have been referred to. (Eugene is the closest doctor in this specialty area). We have heard wonderful things about him and even know personally a success story from his office. Unfortunately insurance will not cover a dime so we will be saving before moving forward.
My husband shared a post on facebook today that stated God WILL give you more than you can handle. And he posted the other day that you CAN be angry with God, he can take it. Those two posts sum up my own feelings right now. BUT…I still have faith that God will allow us to conceive again and deliver a happy healthy little bundle of joy! Please continue to pray. Please ask me how treatments are going. Please be understanding if I only give a short brief answer or if I ramble on about treatments for a half hour! Please be understanding if I don’t want to go to another baby shower for awhile. Please know that I’m still grieving.
During this week of National Infertility Awareness Week please pray for those in your life you know are struggling with infertility and pray for the ones who are lonely right now in their struggle who haven’t told anyone. Pray for those who have never been pregnant, those who have miscarried and those who have a biological child or children but are having trouble getting pregnant again. It is all infertility. It is all real. It all hurts.